


31 556 926 seconds

by Makendrik



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 06:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makendrik/pseuds/Makendrik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>THEY had promised to do this. And here it was. The day was here and she was here and she had no idea, if the other part of the promise, lay on the other side. Post Gail and Holly SF parting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Had Time

**Author's Note:**

> This song was also in the last chapter of ‘The Coward Texts’ and once I had finished that piece, it felt like the song had more to say about Gail and Holly. Here is the beginning of that more. I mostly want to know if this should be continued, expanded or just left as is at the side of the cliff. 
> 
> Editing Notes: All mistakes are mine, Gail and Holly, are not. They belong to Rookie Blue and its creators.

** 31 556 926 seconds **

**You Had Time**

_How can I go home_  
_With nothing to say_  
_I know you’re going to look at me that way_  
_You’ll say, what did you do out there?_  
_What did you decide?_  
_You said you needed time you had time_

_Ani Difranco_

Holly fingered the stuffed RCMP moose in one of the Pearson International Airport souvenir shops that were packed with pretty maple syrup bottles , t-shirts saying ‘I heart Canada’ and stuffed moose like this one. She smiled, mostly to herself. It was comforting. She had almost forgotten about these little shops with the maple leaf splattered all over absolutely everything. She missed maple sugar. She missed maple sugar candy. Nothing else like it in the world. The revelation was immediate. The moose was suddenly forgotten as she headed to the back of the tiny shop and paid the horrendous airport price for 3 of the precious commodities and moaned out loud as the sugar melted on her tongue. But Holly was not here to eat maple candy, or bump fists with her Canadian heritage. No, Holly was here for one reason. Gail. She had promised. THEY had promised to do this. And here it was. The day was here and she was here and she had no idea, if the other part of the promise, lay on the other side.

The clock on her wrist told her it was almost time.

###########

 

Gail was nervous. She remembered the plan, whispered in the dark hours of Holly’s last moments in Toronto. 365 days. 525949 minutes, 31 556 926 seconds. 1 year. No contact.

The wind ruffled Gail’s carefully coiffed hair out of place. She struggled to tame her windblown bangs, but that proved fruitless and just increased her feeling of frustration. Gail wasn’t good with the unknown. The unknown brought out the sides of her personality she didn’t like. She had absolutely no idea how this was going to play out. She didn’t remember now, why they had decided to have no contact. Holly had said something about needing time and that had made sense as they looked into each others eyes while the sunrise blanketed them in yellow warmth through Holly’s bedroom window.

They had leaned into each other at the same time, softly kissed, sealing the deal. 1 year.

###########

 

 

_I guess everything is timing_  
_I guess everything's been said_  
_so I am coming home with an empty head_

_Ani Difranco_

What the hell was she going to say? This was her doing after all. _Stop molesting that poor moose and get in a cab Stewart!_ But she knew the moment she stepped outside the airport there would be a hundred cabs waiting. And then there would be no stopping it. The ride to her hotel would take 25 min, give or take on traffic. Then another 10 to their agreed meeting spot. And then it would be real. What if Gail didn’t show? She promised she’d come. And a year ago, she was positive she would have the answers for her, for them. And now, she had a suitcase, 6 weeks of time accumulated and no idea if this was all going to be over in 6 minutes.

############

_you'll say did they love you or what_  
_I'll say they love what I do_  
_the only one who really loves me is you_  
_and you'll say girl did you kick some butt_  
_and I'll say I don't really remember_  
_but my fingers are sore_  
_and my voice is too_

_Ani Difranco_

‘Hello Gail.’ She hears the unmistakable alto tones of Holly’s smooth voice

Gail didn’t look up. She’s not quite ready to see her yet. ‘I wasn’t sure you’d come.’ Gail deflects.

‘1 year. I said I’d be here.’

Gail shakes her head and allows a small smile. She should have known it would be that simple for Holly. ‘Yeah…you did.’

Holly sits down on the weather beaten bench, leaving a respectable distance, but still remaining close. She mirrors Gail’s position, staring straight ahead. Gail is terrified of what she will see in Holly’s eyes. Because she has no idea what she _wants_ to see. Does she want to see the woman she believes could be the love of her life? Does she want to see the incredible person who will be her friend for life? Does she want to see someone who has moved on already, because, really, when you broke it down, their time together had been remarkably short. And just as uneven in its stability.

‘How are you Gail?’ she says, barely above a whisper. Like maybe she’s afraid too. Like maybe Gail isn’t alone. Like maybe it isn’t so simple for her either.

Leave it to Holly to jump right to it. Because Holly knew it wasn’t just a casual question. Not for Gail. Not for them. She didn’t want to know about work or Gail’s latest lunch with her Mother.

Gail’s silence was telling. This was Holly, and one of her one off answers, simply wouldn’t do. This mattered too much. Holly had changed her and she deserved Gail’s truth, no matter what the outcome of today, she deserved that.

‘You changed me Holly.’ She paused, blew out a breath, like she had a speech prepared and suddenly forgot her cue cards. ‘I am not sure if you fully understand the impact of your short cameo in my life.’

Holly listened, calmly, patiently, seemingly without reservation. Like she always had when Gail was processing, saying something important. Holly always knew when Gail was saying something important, even though, the actual words, were sometimes contrary.

‘When we kissed, that first time, it was like I had been locked in a dark cave and suddenly, someone from the outside world was shining a torch in my face. I got it. I understood what everyone was talking about when they got all stupid faced over someone.’ She paused again, like somehow she thought this sounded wrong. ‘But it wasn’t about being a lesbian. It was about you. Just you. You took me as I am, accepted all my quirks, even seemed to be endeared by some of them. You actually tried when I told you to fuck off.’ She paused again. ‘Its been a year. And I have forgotten every single reason why we thought that was a good idea. Because from the second you left, I had my answers. I knew what I wanted for us. And this year apart, has only cemented those answers. And those answers are my truth.’

‘And what is your truth Gail?’ Holly finally spoke, not really expecting an honest answer.

‘You Holly. You are my truth. You are my light. You are my person.’ It was so simple and so complicated.

‘Wow’

‘Really? Wow? That’s all you’ve got Ms. PhD?’

‘Honesty?’ Gail nodded ‘I never expected you to be so…direct. I expected some flip answer, a few snide remarks. And I would get an answer sometime this month.’

‘Does that mean you are going to be here all month?’

‘Of course that’s what you would take from that sentence.’ She shook her head affectionately. ‘But seriously, from the Gail I left, it kind of feels like the pod people came and took over your body.’ She pinched Gail

‘Ow! Seriously Holly? Remind me never to get a PhD! I already know the word WOW and it makes you an immature brat when I am pouring my beautiful heart out.’ The laughter felt good, it felt right, it felt like home.

‘If only it could be this easy…’ Holly wiped her eyes

‘Yeah…’ Gail’s voice trailed off and she finally looked at Holly

And just like that, the air was gone. The look in Gail’s eyes….it was so open. Gail loved her. It was right there in those beautiful blue eyes. Gail was sure. And Holly couldn’t breathe.

Suddenly, she was across the park and hailing a cab. The tears blinding her.

_What the fuck did you just do? What the fuck is wrong with you?_

‘Park Hyatt please.’ She croaked

##############

 

_you'll say it's really good to see you_  
_you'll say I missed you horribly_  
_you'll say let me carry that_  
_give that to me_  
_and you will take the heavy stuff_  
_and you will drive the car_  
_and I'll look out the window making jokes_  
_about the way things are_

_Ani Difranco_

‘Not so simple’ Gail muttered as an involuntary tear splashed off her hand.

 

 


	2. Your Eyes Will Adjust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, VERY short. Its a bit of Holly figuring out for herself why she ran. And a little about how much Gail really has grown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General Notes: You guys rock! Thank you, everyone who reviewed and encouraged. I really, so, appreciate it. 
> 
> Editing Notes: all mistakes are mine. Rookie Blue and these ladies are NOT.

**Chapter 2: Your Eyes Will Adjust**

 

_but often it happens you know_  
_that the things you don't trust are the ones you need most_  
_so it's cautiously into the dark_  
_but you see before long that your eyes will adjust_  
_and under the night you can hear_  
_the full moon rise like a psalm in the air_  
_and the air goes into your lungs_  
_and around in your heart and on through your blood_  
_it goes cautiously into the dark_  
_and you see before long that we all have a part_  
_and under your skin you can feel_  
_that the fear that you feel is what will set you free_  
  
_Hey Rosetta!_

 

The carpet was berber, _good choice,_ Holly mused. She was pacing her hotel room like a lunatic. Berber wore well, it was meant for constant wear. It was cushy, comfy, solid. Stopping briefly in front of the mirror, she noted, that running her hands through her hair for the last few hours, just heightened the lunatic look, and muttering to herself, simply completed the ensemble.

Holly was a bit of a self-proclaimed control freak. It felt like Gail was in control of her plan. HER plan! Not Gail’s! The time apart had been FOR Holly, at Holly’s request. Instead, the time had completely cemented Gail’s truth while it had done her, the absolute opposite. Her truth felt blurred, with a side of haze. _How the fuck did this happen?_ Her frustration was mounting with each pass of the room. Wasn’t pacing suppose to produce revelations, epiphanies? Or was it drinking?

She sat down heavily on the bed, shaking her head in frustration. And briefly glanced at the mini-bar. She thought that she would feel something when she got on the plane, but when that didn’t happen, she rationalized, maybe once she was on Canadian soil, but again, no. And her last hope had been, when she saw Gail. Surely THAT would suddenly make the answers materialize! Instead, she got slapped with Gail’s rock-solid declaration. Her unwavering words, and those eyes. Those damn eyes. There wasn’t a shred of doubt.

She looked away, she ran. She couldn’t bare to look back at Gail, with so much uncertainly in her own eyes. She wasn’t capable of crushing Gail…twice. She had expected indifference for their first meeting. She had expected a bit of a cold shoulder. Flip answers and deflections. Not, ‘mature, let’s make a life together, I’m game.’ Gail. Was this the Gail she had even loved before?

Her eyes shot open. Ding ding ding! Epiphany! _That’s it!_ Gail seemed changed. Centered. Steady. NOT the Gail she had left. What if she didn’t love this Gail?

Okay, this was good. Progress. Time for some more pacing. Holly needed to break things down. She fell for snarky, complicated, challenging Gail. The Gail who had trouble with feelings and commitment. She kind of fell for temporary Gail. Hmmm, that was a rather unsettling thought. What did that mean? She had fled from that Gail. She didn’t feel safe with that Gail. But she was willing to come back to that Gail. Rock solid Gail, seemed to be scaring the shit out of her.

She was going to drive herself insane! She flopped unceremoniously on the bed and stared at the institutional ceiling. At the nothing. Stark white ceiling. Absolutely no character. Smooth and flawless, every room the same...

Someone was knocking. Fuck, how long had that been going on? How long had she been lying there?

_Ow, long enough that my body is asleep._ ‘I’m coming!’

‘Hi’ Gail said simply, then taking in her appearance, she smirked, ‘You do crazy quite nicely lunchbox.’

She sighed ‘Gail, I’m sorry, I know it’s been a year and I know I am acting like a completed jackass, but I really can’t –‘

‘Look, we can’t figure this all out in one night. I get that.’ She produced a 6 pack of Mill St Tankhouse, _oh how I have missed Toronto beer_ , a video, and held up her phone with the pizza app opened.

Olive branch. Tears sprang to Holly’s eyes. ‘You are so –‘

‘Awesome? Yeah, I know. Come on nerd, lets drink, eat and watch a campy movie.’

Holly was stunned. ‘Thank you’ she whispered, hoping somehow, those two words were enough to convey how absolutely grateful she was for this moment.

‘Veggie extravaganza ok?’ Gail inquired, while tapping on her phone.

‘yeah’ she smiled for the first time since the maple sugar candy, ‘that sounds brilliant.’

‘Thin crust?’

‘Nailed it.’

‘Get the vid ready will you?’

‘On it’

Olive branches were great things. For tonight, things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: that wasn’t so bad right? They’ve got somewhere to go from here right? Thanks for reading everyone. All reviews, comments, questions, concerns welcome.


	3. Chapter 3: Where I Stood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Processing sucks! Gail is still being wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General Notes: To those who are still with me, please accept my humble apologies for leaving this hanging for so long. 
> 
> Chapter Notes: If you have been waiting the last year or more for an epic chapter, this is not it! But I hope you enjoy, none the less. Holly’s subconscious conversations are in italics.
> 
> Editing Notes: All mistakes are mine, Gail and Holly, are not. They belong to Rookie Blue and its creators.

  **Chapter 3: Where I Stood**

 

  
There were sounds in my head   
Little voices whispering  
That I should go and this should end  
Oh, and I found myself listening 

Missy Higgins

Day 13

‘What’s the first thing you did when you were back on Canadian soil?’ Gail asked around a bite of pancakes

‘Molested a moose.’

Several minutes later

 ‘I hate it when coffee comes out of my nose Holly. That wasn’t fair.’

‘You asked! There was this stuffed moose at the airport. My hands might have lingered a little too long to be considered appropriate, ergo moose molesting.‘

‘Stop, stop!  The coffee really stings!’

The sun rose around them as they laughed over eggs and pancakes. Eyes watered, coffees were refilled. 

‘Bugger baby. I’ve got to go....’  the endearment had slipped. ‘Ahhhh…..’

‘Gail...’ Holly covered her hand. ‘Its okay.’

She looked away. Holly’s heart broke. She had to fix this.

‘I’m sorry, I’m going to be late for shift.’

‘Go, go. We’re okay, promise.’

Gail looked away again. ‘Okay’ she whispered and fled the diner

 

##########

 

‘Question?’

Holly secretly loved how Gail always started their conversations as if they were already in the middle of one.

‘Hello to you too. My day is great, thanks for asking. How are you Officer Peck?’

‘Are you planning any interrogation room kissing visits during your stay in Canada?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘I’m just asking, because its getting busy and the rooms are filling up fast. ‘

‘Its getting busy with interrogation room kisses? Do tell.’

‘Yeah, you know, its a new technique we’re trying to get the perps to talk.’

‘Interesting. And how is that faring with the constitution?’

‘Grey area Holly.  Can I have an answer please?’

Inconsequential banter.  It was the foundation of their amazingly fucked up relationship. Like old times. When she thought they had all the time in the world.  Gail had been wonderful the last, almost 2 weeks. Once Holly had told her how long she was staying, Gail had booked a couple of days off each rotation, so when she was off, it was for 4 or 5 days. They had spent time getting to know eachother again. They went for walks, ate at their favourite places, talked about old times and possibly new times to come. They relaxed over lattes and book store visits. It was...nice. But now Holly was thinking about kissing. Intense, secret kissing. Kissing that got her blood pumping. Perhaps she did, in fact, need to book some interrogation room time.

‘Guess you’ll have to wait and see officer.’

‘Well don’t blame me if you get put on a waiting list lunchbox.’

A waiting list indeed.

 

##########

 

See, I thought love was black and white  
That it was wrong or it was right  
But you aren't leaving without a fight  
And I think, I am just as torn inside

Missy Higgins

15 division was different. The explosion...right. Over lattes one night, the tale had been recounted. She didn’t know where to go now. Washrooms, she saw a sign for washrooms. She needed to get her kissing thoughts in check.

Pushing open the door marked ladies, she stopped dead. Gail.

‘You are doing great Peck. Well, maybe,  except for the ‘baby’ slip this morning. Dumb Ass. Holly is feeling no pressure. That’s what  she needs. You laid it all out for her and now she needs to process. And yes, you wish she would have processed a little over that god damn year she was gone, 4000 km away, but you put some pretty heavy stuff out there when she came back. Just let it be. She will either come back, or she won’t.  Just keep it in your pants Peck, and let this play out.’ She let out a heavy sigh.

Holly backed slowly out of the bathroom. The hallway was noisy. Like cluttered footsteps in her head , and a life that kept on going, without her . Who was the cat in the tree now?

_That was some monologue_

_And just where the hell have you been for the last 2 weeks?_

_Hello. Its nice to see you too. What’s been going on in your world?_

_Did you enjoy having the apartment to yourself while I have been playing fooze ball with Gail’s heart here in Canada?_

_I love fooze ball! Some of your CDs though, we need to discuss. They were not sober music purchases._

_Did you touch my Barry Manilow?_

_I would never! I’m more of a Twisted Sister kind of subconscious._

_Bullshit. Don’t think I didn’t notice when you guided my hand to Wilson Phillips last week-_

_Low blow! I can’t believe you would bring that up-_

_STOP! Focus!_

_Right. Yes. You are distraught._

_Diplomatic much? Are you here to help or not? Major life decisions approaching!!_

_So you’ve made up your mind?_

_Would you be here if I had?  Where do I apply for a smarter sub-conscious?  Is there a form?  A website? Maybe an app? One without ads?_

_I see I should have come sooner._

_Ummm….YEAH!!!_

_So Gail’s monologue has snapped your brain into gear._

_Something like that._

_You have realized, that you have been a bit of a git the last few weeks. Letting her be all wonderful while you soak up how much she cares for you._

_Shameful isn’t it?_

_A little bit, but not so much the point._

_Okaaaay_

_Relationships are complex. Stop scowling. Hear me out_

_ <sigh> _

_Relationships are complex. During long term relationships, there is always one partner who loves the other more._

_This should be good_

_No its true. And it will flip flop over time, but right now, Gail loves you more. And if you two crazy kids make it, at some point in the future, you will love her more, and so on. Its…inevitable and normal._

_Umm, that still makes me the arse!_

_Mmmm, not necessarily. It makes you confused._

_Well I need to stop being confused._

_I agree. Its time._

_Alright, lets do this. Are we sans alcohol with this one?_

_We are._

_Splendid._

 

##########

 

  
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call   
You meant more to me than any one I, I've ever loved at all  
But you taught me how to trust myself  
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do 

Missy Higgins 

It was dawn. No music filled her ears this morning as she made her way around Queen’s Park and through U of T campus. There was no note of the beautiful architecture of the University College building, or the weird Robarts Library that was built to resemble a peacock. Her heart was beating at a nice steady pace, her legs just starting their mid-run burn, her body was alive, pumping, moving, sweating, cleaning. Holly Stewart needed to stop fucking around.

She rounded the King Edward VII  statue that signalled her half way point and suddenly, there was Gail. She stopped dead, almost fell and before she could censor herself, ‘What the fuck Gail? You could have been hurt, you could have hurt me!’

‘I would have caught you’ She shrugged.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘You run when you process. You run here when you process. So I processed that you would be processing here and waited.’

‘How very....Gail of you. And just how did you know I would be processing?’

Gail handed her a bottle of water. Holly waited. Gail would not be here if she didn’t have something to say.  ‘I saw you, at the station.’ She said barely above a whisper

‘But….how…?’

‘Mirror’s Holly.’

‘Oh’

‘Look, I get that you are processing. I get that you don’t know what to do. I get that you need time.  I am really, really, trying here, to give you all of that. For me, I am being pretty fucking wonderful!  I am like, completely, completely,  in love with you. Have been since, like, that night at the batting cages. And I had made my decision about us before you even got on the plane. So I can’t help thinking, if its taking you this long, just to decide if you want to try?  Then maybe I’m not it for you. Maybe, I’m not your  person. And that’s okay. You can’t force that. You can’t wish it to happen. That’s all I wanted to say. Just...when you make your decision, if it’s in my favour…be sure, okay? ‘ She got up, kissed Holly’s forehead and walked out of the park.

Well fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: bring it on. I’m ready!


	4. Chapter 4: Too Many Doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of an angry, yet revealing, chapter. We get to see the reasons behind Holly’s unfitting behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing Notes: All mistakes are mine, Gail and Holly, are not. They belong to Rookie Blue and its creators.

  
**Chapter 4: Too Many Doors**

  
Can you hear me now  
Or are there just too many doors  
Between then and now  
For me to ever reach on through  


Savatage

Gail, currently nursing a stiff shot of whiskey, was feeling pretty proud of herself. Who knew she could be the bigger person? Now, the bigger person wasn’t getting laid with this tactic, but, details. 

The whiskey in her glass sloshed onto her hand and interrupted her self induced ego petting . Whoever was knocking was going to break the damn door. 

The door was barely open a crack when Gail was almost knocked on her ass with a barging Holly. 

 ‘Who the hell are you?’ okay, hadn’t meant to come out quite that harshly

‘I’m Gail Peck.’

‘Fuck off Gail. What happened to you the year I was gone?’

‘You want me to recount my life since you left?’ Gail was confused. 

‘NO!!!’ She wasn’t doing very well, she had to calm down. ‘Can I sit?  Maybe have a shot of…something?’

‘Suuuure. I’ll be right back.’ 

Get it together Stewart. You should not have come straight from the park. You’re acting like…..oh my god….like old Gail. Like seriously, had the girl found Buddha since she’d left?

Gail handed her an etched glass with amber liquid. She downed it. Nice bottle. Gail sat on the opposite side of the small room and sipped her portion. The picture of calm. She crossed her legs and waited. 

‘You’re doing it again!’

‘What?  What am I doing?’

‘Being…..calm and sure and understanding, and NOT GAIL!!’

‘So you want me to be a mess?’

‘YES!!!!’

‘Why?’ This was getting really confusing.

‘Because _I_ am!’ Holly needed to lower her voice. ’You are not suppose to be calm and sure and understanding! ‘

‘So you are cross with me? For being calm and sure and understanding about us?’

‘Now you’re getting it!’

‘Did we not agree, 1 year?  1 year to figure out….well….us? What we wanted?’

Holly blew out a breath. ‘Yes Gail, we did. But we did not agree to get a personality transplant.’

‘Wow. Ok. That was harsh.’ 

‘It was intended to be.’

‘And seriously?  Where do you get off Holly? You come back with NOTHING!  You did NOTHING over the past year to honour our agreement.’  Gail was yelling now. ‘You come back here, a fucking mess. I step back, I figure that maybe you need us to spend some time together. And I am pretty fucking wonderful about the fact that the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, doesn’t even know if she wants to DATE me!’ Gail was also pacing now. 

‘Gail-‘

‘No, just no. You are killing me here baby!  I am so fucking in love with you. Crazy, nutter, out of my mind for you. I have forced myself to be calm and understanding, because THIS MATTERS!  If I force you into a decision, then I will never be sure you are here because you WANT to be!’ She rounded on Holly. 

If the eyes were the windows to the soul, then Gail was the most wounded person she had ever laid eyes on. It forced the breath right out of her chest. 

‘I can’t do it again Holly.’ Gail rarely called her Holly. ‘I can’t give my heart to you and have you take it away with you again. You’re it for me. ‘ She shrugged. ‘And its just really that simple.’ She smiled. ‘I don’t think I have changed as much as you think I have. But saying to you, “Holly, what the fuck did you do for that year?  Why the hell did you even come?  Do you like playing snooker with my heart?  Lets go out and drink and fuck and see how that turns out?”. Do you think that would have been the best approach to figuring out what you wanted?’

Holly laughed. Outloud. Then she snorted. Outloud. 

‘Real pretty lunchbox.’

‘You know, you kind of became boring.’

‘Ouch.’

‘No seriously. You were acting like you are ready to put a big ring on my finger, knock me up and buy a house with a dog and a fence in the suburbs!’

‘So you thought we’d move back to the 1950s once we got this sorted?’

She laughed again. ‘Get me another drink officer. We’ve got some processing to do.’

######

The night was eerily calm. Dark and not a breath of wind. The sky was black. The moon was the only light. Gail sat with her legs tucked under her in an Adirondack chair, with Holly opposite her, in much the same position. Gail had poured them each a finger of scotch and by mutual silent agreement, they had headed to the deck. The city sounds of Toronto played like a soundtrack in the background while they sipped their scotch and tried to put thoughts into words. 

‘You said you knew your answer by the time I got on the plane?’ Holly’s voice cut through the still moment

‘I did.’

‘Is there a picture, a plan, that goes with that answer?’

Gail was silent. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of saying the right thing. 

‘I think, I actually imagined us doing the long distance thing for awhile.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah. Taking our holidays together, or because of my shift work, I could take a couple of days every few months, make it into a longer time off. Maybe fly out 5 or 6 times a year. We would figure out how your schedule could work into flying out a couple of times. Try to go no more than 2 months without seeing eachother. That sort of thing.’

‘So, if I came back and said that I unequivocally wanted to be with you, it wasn’t an automatic assumption that I would drop everything and move back here?’

‘God no! ‘ She paused, trying to find the right diplomacy to bring up the past without shattering the fragile momentum. ‘When you told me, you were going to ask me to come with you…I felt like…like my life was insignificant to you. That my job, for you, was in a different class I guess? It was the only time I felt like you looked at me and saw a beat cop. I never want to make you feel like I did that day. ’

 _Ouch. Holly was an arse._

‘But then I started to think about it.’ She continued. ’Well, once I was sober.’ Holly smiled at that. ‘And, in the end, it was kind of flattering. You having enough confidence in us, to ask me to move 4000 km away with you. To take on San Francisco together.‘ 

‘Yeah, I had this vision of us moving into this empty, but large apartment together, finding out there is the coolest little coffee shop on the corner where we get to know “Kit” the daytime barrista, who is also a lesbian, by the way.’

‘Of course.’

‘We’d find somewhere for that, awful gaming addiction of yours, in the apartment where you could play with your mates back home until 3 in the morning. Well, on the nights you weren’t making mad passionate love to me.’

‘naturally.’

‘You’d stop by my new office for lunch. Because, I have a pretty nice office.’ She paused to take a nip of her scotch. 

‘Was I in uniform for these, lunch visits?’ Gail asked quietly with the opening. 

‘Well, that is where it started to unravel for me. ‘ She paused and fiddled with her glasses. ’I realized, that no where in there, had I considered, other than the parts with me, what you’d be doing.’

‘I see.’

‘Yeah. And I started thinking about what kind of person that makes me? I just wanted you with me, so bad, that I expected you to jump on a plane and just follow me? What an egotistical brat!’

‘Holly….’ Suddenly, it was all starting to make sense. 

‘No Gail, its time I got this out. Its time you understand why I came back the way I did.’ Holly was relived at the darkness that enveloped them. She wasn’t sure, she could bear to see the accusations in Gail’s eyes right now. ‘I was so ashamed of myself. How could I have done that to you? Just, dismiss you out of hand like that. It didn’t hit me at first. I was cross with you for not coming with me. Letting me face this change alone. I mean, I came back for you. Interrogation room kissing and all! But when it hit me, that I kind of expected you to just, fall at my feet. That is when the self recriminations came crashing down. What kind of person does that make me? I thought I’d come back here and have a hell of a fight on my hands given the way I treated you. But….I didn’t. You were wonderful and centered and seemed to have it all figured out. The opinion I have of myself now doesn’t know what to do with that.‘

There. There it was. In a nutshell. All of it. Holly didn’t expect an answer right away. This was a lot. She had laid herself bare out there in the dark still night and she waited for judgment. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. Short chapter, cliff hanger. All my specialties! Comments are always appreciated. As always, brutal honesty is preferred.


	5. Song That's Meant For Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Always with the short, I know! This is just some back and forth between Holly and Gail. Starting to bridge the gaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing Notes: all mistakes are owned by me. Rookie Blue rights are NOT mine.  
> General Notes: To everyone still here, THANK YOU! To those reviewers that I have been terrible at thanking this time around, THANK YOU!!!! Please try not to be too cross with the shortness.

**Chapter 5 – A Song That’s Meant for Two**

_I drew my line across the sand_  
And set my flag in no man's land  
But here I am the one man band  
With a song that's meant for two

_And there is a light, from a higher window_  
Shining down on you tonight  
And the music floats on the breeze  
Bringing an easier time  
And all of our cards are on the table  
Tell me what you want to do  
Just don't tell me that it's too late  
For me to love you

_Josh Groban_

****

Toronto is not a city of serenity. There is no silence, or still button. The night brings a muted version of the daytime hustle and bustle, but never silence, never stillness. Gail, was completely silent. Completely still. The black night meant that Holly couldn’t see her and she wondered,  if somewhere, during her excruciatingly long diatribe, Gail had simply left.

‘I never noticed how the time of day, makes Toronto sound so many different ways, until you left.’

Gail hadn’t left. She did, however, manage to scare the living crap out of a silent Holly.

‘Bloody Hell Gail! I thought you had gone!’ Holly jumped ‘And what business did you have being in my head just now?’

‘Gone?’

‘Well, it was just, so silent. I thought, during my super long monologue, you’d gotten up and left and I hadn’t noticed. You know, self absorbed me. ‘

‘Okay, this self deprecating Holly has GOT to go.’

‘What?’

‘Seriously, its annoying.’

‘You are such a fucking brat!’

‘Well seriously, I was being all reflective and about to share and you get all down on yourself again. We need to figure out where it is you left your ego and make it come back.’

‘That would be nice.’ Holly mumbled

‘Now, as I was saying. I never really noticed Toronto until you. I mean, lets face it, before I met you, I was desperately trying to show up for work, NOT hung over or still drunk, for that matter, and drinking my paycheque away with my equally, hung over / drunk roommates. You showed me pieces of Toronto I had never seen before, because you looked at it with new eyes. You weren’t born and raised here. I started to see it through your eyes. That it could be beautiful. And fuck Holly, I was so damn lonely while you were gone. You dangled a glimpse into a life I was believing, I might one day have. So, discovering new things about this city, somehow made me feel closer to you. And one day, I sat on this deck, in this very chair, from sun up, until midnight. And that day, I listened. I really listened to the city. I think, that day, was one of the first times, since you left, that I felt some peace. And now, I love this deck. Any time of day.’

‘wow.’

‘I know, deep eh?’

‘Yeah, move over Buddha. If I might say though, philosophical Gail is a bit annoying.‘

‘I know, right!...Baby, forgiving the people we used to be, is really hard. And its a process. But once you do, then you can come to me whole. Then the fog will clear. I think you already have the answers you need, you just can’t see what direction they are until the fog dissipates.’

‘I mentioned annoying right?’

‘You did.’ Gail laughed and reached for Holly’s hand.

‘Fuck I love you.’

‘Then for now, that’s enough.’

Holly felt the brush of a warm, sure hand across her cheek. 

 ‘Could we just be Gail and Holly for a little while?’ she whispered

‘Yes’ Gail breathed still stroking her cheek ‘We can’

#####

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, bring the brutal honesty. I am not sure why the end note asking if I should continue keeps popping up, so I apologize, but I can't seem to get rid of it!!


	6. Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bloody short, again! A little break for our girls to re-connect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing Notes: All mistakes are mine, Rookie Blue is not.
> 
> General Notes: Can I ask if anyone actually reads or listens to the songs at the beginning of each chapter? I find it really helps me shape the chapter. Sometimes I choose the song first, sometimes the chapter gets written first. Just curious. Thank you to everyone still with me and especially those still reviewing. You help each and every time.

  **Chapter 6 – Pretend**

A drop in the ocean  
A change in the weather  
I was praying that you and me might end up together  
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert  
But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven

I don't wanna waste the weekend  
If you don't love me pretend  
A few more hours then it's time to go

And as my train rolls down the east coast  
I wonder how you keep warm  
It's too late to cry  
Too broken to move on

And still I can't let you be  
Most nights I hardly sleep  
Don't take what you don't need from me

By  Ron Pope

 

The room was basked in soft candlelight and Diana Krall. A half bottle of wine rested comfortably on the coffee table between slouched bodies and outstretched feet.

‘This is nice.’ Holly breathed

‘Mmmmm, yeah.’ Gail said as her head lazily flopped to look at her

‘I promise, I won’t make you wait forever.’ She whispered

‘I know.’

Holly brushed a strand of hair from Gail’s face and lightly trailed her fingertips across her cheek.

‘You are so incredibly lovely.’

Gail closed her eyes and let go of that smile that was just for Holly. The bashful one. The contented one. _Remarkable._ Holly thought. And suddenly. It all shifted into place. Like a perfect game of tetris.  This couch, this music, this face, this moment. It was theirs.

‘Just love me for a little while.’ Gail pleaded ‘I’ve tried so hard.’ She whispered as a tear slipped down her cheek

‘Oh baby. I’m so sorry. So sorry.’ Holly cupped her face ‘Gail I love you so much. I promise I do.’

‘Then lie to me for a little while. Pretend everything is going to be okay and we’re going to grow old together here in this wonderful city.’

Holly’s heart broke. Completely broke. And she did the only thing she could think of that was beyond words, beyond logic, beyond this moment. She kissed her. With everything she had inside of her for this woman, she kissed her. Gail opened her mouth and invited her inside and Holly couldn’t stop.

‘Let me make love to you Gail. Let me show you everything I am sure of in my heart, even if my head is tossing and turning about. Let me love you. I missed you. I missed you so much.’

Gail surrendered, because she needed Holly so much. It was slowly killing her, giving Holly the time and space she so obviously needed. Even, if ultimately, they parted, she would always have this beautiful night where Diana Krall sang to them while they confessed their precious love in the muted Toronto symphony of the dark.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so what do we think? Continue or leave it here? Comments, questions, concerns, all welcome. Brutal honesty is appreciated.


End file.
